I'm a bit tired of being home, even though I've only been here for a few weeks.  I'm not practicing, nor am I eating eggs on toast with the South African chili spices that I like.  I want to see the new X-Men movie - I always thought those were some of the best superhero movies out there, and this most recent one looks excellent.  The family is good.  It's nice to participate in gatherings again and see my siblings when I like.  There are people around, I guess, who I could get a hold of and hang out with, but I don't give a fuck to see any of them at all.  Anyone I care about is either in another state or the middle of nowhere in Ohio... 

The other night I went for a walk in the neighborhood behind my house, thinking about life and love and death and old friends.  I smoked as I walked, and found it surprisingly easy to breathe in the cool night air as I paced about the still new sidewalks, surrounded by small trees that won't look nice for another 40 years.  I passed a big house with a big garage and a nice front yard, the porch light lit brightly to deter burglars.  It was my good friend's house once, but not these days.  There was a mean dog in the front yard that made for me but was stopped short by one of those invisible dog fences, as evidenced by a sign in the yard.  I stood there, puffing my smoke, and stared at the animal for a few long moments, almost taunting it.  For a second I thought he would brave the shock and come get me, because God knows he wanted to.  Wanted to lock down around my neck, cut off my wind and taste my flesh, as if to say he was tired of the taunting and still had the sharper teeth.  I got bit once as a youngling, right around my ankle.  I thought it had punctured my artery, but I healed and got over it - no big deal.  They are sharp, though.  I like dogs.  Dogs that have character and personality.  And dogs that listen and will sit and look you in the eye while you lay down the law or dish out punishment, and stay when you tell them to do so.  Dogs like this stupid mongrel who barked and shit all over deserve nothing from me. 

working outdoors is treating me well.  i like the sun, even if it is rough on my skin at times.  i've finally got a handle on the heartburn/stomach situation, and am feeling pretty good.  maybe working so much has my mind on other things, or maybe the medicine is actually working.  the summer is, eh, boring to put it simply.  my parents are my friends and i go to bed way too early.  i'm not drinking, not smoking, and playing video games all too often.  the square habit seems to have taken over once again, for which i have much regret, but being outside in the nice weather all day makes it hard.  excuses...

i miss my friends who dot the earth's landscape - colorado, iowa, afghanistan, illinois, south africa - places like that.  i hope everyone is doing well and loving life.

i haven't practiced enough since returning home, which i kind of foresaw, but i need to keep my chops up to par so i don't go back to school sounding like a chump (goal for the summer: use 'chump' more often).  I've been working out a little bit, but coming home after 8 hours of manual labor makes me skip it more often than not.  the work i'm doing is exercise enough.  excuses...

note(s) to self: lay off the soda, be barefoot as often as possible, practice, and wear my cowboy hat regularly.

peace be the journey.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Drifting - Pearl Jam

No Expectations - Yonder Mountain String Band

Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden

Caress Me Down - Sublime

Don't Drink the Water - Dave Matthews Band

Playing this for my audition on Saturday (not the best performance on the recording, but you get the idea).  I'm a bit nervous as I have to perform it without an accompanist, but we'll see what happens.  New mouthpiece and neck combination (combo-nation) has me sounding like a whole new musician, and ¡me encanta!  

follow-up

Say Hello to Heaven - Temple of the Dog

Nothing But the Water (Part 2) - Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

One Day - Matisyahu

Imagine - John Lennon

Mr. Tambourine Man - Bob Dylan

A few of my favorite songs that might mean as much to you as they do me.

Yellow Ledbetter - Pearl Jam

Goodbye Stranger - Supertramp

Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan (Performed by Jimi Hendrix)

Love, Reign O'er Me - The Who (Performed by Pearl Jam)

Old Man - Neil Young

That's it for now.  Maybe I'll do this again sometime, but until then, peace be the journey.

my brother's heart of gold

- - - - - - - -

Cody and I stood atop the mountain, scrounging the courage to peer over the side of the cliff down to the sea of darkness miles below.  There were men down there; men firing arrows at us which we were able to dodge because by the time they reached the peak they were moving too slowly to really be dangerous.  I wasn't sure where we were or why we were there, but after a time it was demanded of us that we descend the mountain - not down the path on the backside away from the troops below, but so they could watch us struggle with the steep wall of rock and moss that faced the east and the rising sun and the retreating storm that had battered us the night before.  The wall was dry, though.  We started down facing outward with our backs gripping the sleek rock which didn't provide proper foot holes or decent holdings for our fingers, which were strained from pressing on to the tiny ledges that we used to attempt the descent.  It hurt badly, and I could sense it in his voice when Cody asked me how I was doing that he too felt the pain of his whole weight on his measly fingers (comparatively speaking).  It wasn't a task that could be completed by anyone, but we continued down towards the bottom, foot after foot.  I tried taking myself away to a place that I wouldn't mind thinking of at the moment of death in case my fingers gave out and I had to plummet to the crust of the earth - which was probably a half mile below at this point - until Cody reminded me that focus alone would get us down safely so we could see Mom and Dad and Abby again.  But what were the odds of that Spielberg ending with a horde of unknown archers waiting at the base; waiting to take us away perhaps or simply strike us down once we had survived the climb down this inconceivable mountain wall.  Cody tried to keep me calm, his Army training being useful to him after having done a high ropes course and been through the mental rigors of boot camp and basic training, but I was sweating and beginning to forget my cool while all the time keeping my eyes near my feet looking for the next available outreach of helpful rock and Cody coached my hands from grip to grip never letting me falter or lose control.  The angle of the wall began to lessen to the point where we could trade some of the pressure from our fingers to our toes and believe that God was listening to our begging prayers for a safe landing.  I slipped, and had I leaned and let my shoulders grip the wall and guide me to the ground I would have survived and gotten to see my friends return from the war, my sister have my niece or nephew, things like that.  I forwarded the tip up to Cody who was still gripping for his life and watching helplessly as I fell the last hundreds of feet towards the ocean of black below, eventually doing as I said and leaning himself back and riding down like a big slide at a theme park or county fair to safety.  I never found out what happened to him after that due to the fact that I didn't make it to meet the angels in the afterlife but i assume he lived on to fulfill his wartime goals.  I crossed over ill and with regret about my life choices and was told at the gates to go back and fix what I felt needed it but I declined and was winked from existence with the rest of the sinners and second guessers.  Looking back I wish I had corrected my errors and been given the chance to check up on my brother who helped me that day - it wasn't his fault that things ended the way they did because he kept me holding on longer than I ever wanted to, him and his heart of gold.  I wish I could have seen him fight the war and come home with a commendation or two, marry Erin and have a few kids who grow up in the church and who have my father's work ethic and ambition as Cody himself does.